Pain is Often Beyond Words, but Never Beyond Love

This is a particular memory of the loss of a loved one during the summer several years ago. However, it is dedicated to all of my loved ones that are no longer here. The most recent, my beloved uncle Bruno.


  I was toying with the idea of going out with him. I paced around my empty apartment and heard nothing but the echo of my footsteps on the hardwood floor, and thoughts racing in my head.
The situation was complex, (As they always seemed to be) and this made my desire grow even stronger. I knew my ex would flip out, but I had to stop him from trying to dictate my life.
In the midst of these thoughts, I got the call--I knew it would be coming, and dreaded the day.
I left the apartment abruptly and walked briskly toward the house. It was a hot, midsummer night. The kind that you savor because you know that it won't be long before labor day arrives and the sweet smell of summer begins to fade. I am one who longs for hot summer nights, but this night was like no other..

  The streets were packed and people soaked up every inch of space in front of the outdoor cafes. I heard people laughing and carrying on, but it was as if it was all happening in the far distance. I felt strangely disconnected from everything around me. The noises, the laughter, the fragrance of the season, all of it. I felt as if nothing was real but my pain, and it amazed me that life around me continued to go on as it always did. Even my earlier thoughts of contemplating a date with Dimitri seemed so trivial now. I walked faster and faster and the steam from the hot pavement rose up and stuck to my face which was  already wet with tears. The air was so thick, I could barely swallow, but I still smoked my cigarette--.one after the other, after the other..

  As I approached the front door, I stopped to catch my breath. Many were there before me.  Everyone's face was numb with shock. It was going to be a long night and I didn't feel prepared, but then again, how can you ever be prepared for something like this. I knew this day was a day that would change things forever, and it did. Life did go on, and I did go on that date with Dimitri, (a story in itself,) but I was right, things weren't quite the same again. It's in the quiet moments when you're watching a sunset, or gazing at the night sky. lt may happen when something special occurs in your life, or perhaps you feel it the most at a  family gathering when everyone is sharing laughs, it's just there..that subtle emptiness that lingers in the air and reminds you of their absence. You suddenly realize, even though you already know it, that they are gone.