To Be or Not to Be - Happy

Happiness- A state of well being and contentment.

Happiness is one of the most cherished and most mysterious of all human desires, therefore it completely fascinates me. It's been discussed for at least two thousand years starting with Greek philosophers, spiritual gurus and modern day psychology.

When asked the age old question, what is happiness? There will be a variety of answers from many different folks, but most will say that something, or someone they're  "attached" to is the reason for their happiness. But is happiness a permanent state? If you consider your partner your source of happiness, what happens if, or when the relationship ends? Or if it's your job, or money that brings you happiness, what if you lose them? Will you still remain happy?

I don't believe that happiness is a permanent state. I believe it is made up of sparkling moments of bliss and joy. I'm leary  of those who claim to be happy ALL  the time...that just isn't right. I knew a guy years ago who was always happy and smiling, always! If I told him horrible news, he'd reply by suggesting we go dancing or take a walk in the rain. That sounds good in theory, but when bad stuff happens, and it DOES happen, I need to allow myself to feel the pain. I can not force a smile or an emotion. To me that is not natural. There are days when I find it impossible to feel good when I know that others are suffering. I won't even sleep well because I lay awake thinking about it.

Many psychologists say that one way to become happier is to cultivate positive emotions, but again, can we be positive at ALL times? Maybe some can, for me it's not that easy, although sometimes I try, but I absolutely can not pretend to be positive or happy if I'm simply not feeling it. Is it a choice? Perhaps, but sometimes I dont want to choose it and that's ok. Society often dictates that if you get married you will find happiness, and then came the birth of online dating, which personally, I've never done, but that's just me.  What about the endless commercials of one pill or other promising to make it all ok? Let's not forget how that fancy new car will change your life!
Beware of all the false happiness..I don't allow myself to buy into that.

I prefer to be passionate and excited about everything and anything, and experience the ups and downs, rather than always knowing what to expect and simply being content.
What makes me happy are the moments. Right now writing on this blog and sharing it with you. The soft warm blanket that is covering me while I'm laying on my cozy couch. The hot coffee that I have beside me. Other moments of happiness for me are being with those that I love, a sincere hug, a thoughtful kiss, a glass of red wine, music, a good book, good company, deep conversations,  poetry, a beautiful sunset, sweet memories, ah, so many things..so many moments. Today, right now I am happy, and right now is all I that I know...


I haven’t the slightest interest in being happy. I prefer to live life passionately, which is dangerous because you never know what might happen next.
Paulo Coelho

Let's Talk About Love

This probably should  be posted next month for Valentine's day,  but the subject of love is one that I often think about, read about, and talk about, so when I come across a writer that expresses what I feel so poignantly, I'm beyond ecstatic, and so, I wanted to share this.

This is for all the times, I've said I'm done with love, (even though I never really meant it..) I will never be done with love..I'm in love with love!  BUT,  I won't ever allow myself to be caged.

 This is a long read, but well worth it.

 those who have given up on love: I say, “Trust life a little bit.” ~ Maya Angelou

You know what I really love? LOVE! I love LOVE!

The way I see it, there ain’t no bigger and more powerful force in the whole universe than LOVE itself.

Love makes the world go round. It’s the glue that hold everything together. Love is what we are made of. We are made of love and made to love. Our true nature is love and by trying to move away from love, by saying that we want to give up on love, we slowly but surely move away from who we truly are. We move away from our true nature, drifting away and feeling more and more disoriented, disconnected and confused.

The biggest mistake anyone can make is to give up on love.

How can you give up on something that’s in you? How can you give up on something that is YOU?

By giving up on love, you give up on yourself and you give up on life. Without love there’s nothing left. Nothing worth having, nothing worth doing…

You often hear people saying things like:

“I’m giving up on love.

Love hurts.

I don’t ever want to love again. I’m too afraid I’ll get hurt again.

This love messed me up and I’m done with it. I’m done with love!”

We’re so ignorant. We have no clue what love is. We think that love is the source of suffering, but is that what love really is?

Believe it or not, it’s not love that hurts. It’s not love that’s causing us to feel pain and heartbreak, but rather our attachment to how things should or shouldn’t be. It’s the ideas we have in our head about what love should be like and about how relationships should manifest.

Most of us are in Controlling Relationships, not Loving Relationships. We play God with one another, controlling and pretending to know what’s best for each other and we deprive ourselves of the freedom that each of us wants and needs. Instead of allowing one another to express ourselves and live our lives in the way our Souls intended for us to live our lives, freely and authentically, we get in the way. We interfere and influence each other’s destiny, not in a positive, but rather in a negative, and at times destructive way.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

It’s not love that hurts. It’s not love that you should give up on. For love is only interested in loving. Love is not interested in controlling or trying to change or cage the other person. Love only wants to love, for that is all that love knows how to do.

If you were hurt and injured emotionally because of a relationship you have been in, know that love had nothing to do with it. And know that it’s not love that you should give up on but rather your attachment and the many toxic and distorted ideas you have about love.

We confuse love with all kind of toxic and distorted things, claiming that we know what love is all about when in fact we know little or nothing about it.

People who have never even glimpsed the realm of the the infinite vastness of love go around claiming and pretending to know what love is really all about. Giving love a bad name, claiming and affirming that love love hurts and that love causes pain.

“Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold—that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.’” ~ Dr. Maya Angelou

When you enter a relationship with all kind of expectations, wanting the other person to be this or that, and hoping your “love” will never come to an end, you can’t help but suffer. And your suffering will never come from love, but rather from your attachment to how things should be and your attachment to the other person.

It’s so important to understand that life is yours and yours alone. And just as you are a separate entity who wants to be and feel free, so is your partner. He does not owe you anything just as you do owe him anything. If your Souls came together, they didn’t came together for eternity, but only for a while. And since you cannot know for how long you’re meant to be together, the whole idea is to treasure each moment you spend next to each other and to love one another truly, purely and freely. No controlling, no bonding, no caging and no attachment.

If you try to cage each other and if you try to cling onto one another, thinking that you should be together for eternity, your Souls will rebel against it and they will try their best to escape from the bondage they are in. And the more you cling onto each other, the more pain you will bring upon yourselves.

Why do you think so many people have regrets about marriage? Because marriage has become a way to cage and hold each other “hostage”. Marriage has became a way of holding the person next to us in bondage, taking away their freedom and their right to be the wonderful, unique, loving and free being they were born to be.

Love isn’t about holding onto the person next to you. Love is about freeing the one you love, allowing him/her to be, to do and to go wherever their Souls needs them to go.

So you see, it’s not love that you should give up on. But rather your attachment to the many toxic ideas that are causing you to think that love can hurt you.

ITHAKA by C.P. Cavafy

There are times when you can't find the right words. During these times, I like to read other's words that touch me and inspire me. This is a gorgeous poem written by one of my favorite writers, C.P. Cavafy.

Ithaka

As you set out for Ithaka
hope the voyage is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon—don’t be afraid of them:
you’ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon—you won’t encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope the voyage is a long one.
May there be many a summer morning when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you come into harbors seen for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind—
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to gather stores of knowledge from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you are destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you are old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean


Body Remember by C.P. Cavafy
Body, remember not only how much you were loved
not only the beds you lay on.
but also those desires glowing openly
in eyes that looked at you,
trembling for you in voices-
only some chance obstacle frustrated them.
Now that it's all finally in the past,
it seems almost as if you gave yourself
to those desires too-how they glowed,
remember, in eyes that looked at you,
remember, body, how they trembled for you in those voices.

NOW AND ALWAYS

Is this real? Could it really be? I've dreamed this for far too long. Some say be careful what you wish for, you just might get it...that made me wish even harder. I dared to dream to be with you again, and here we are, this is real..we're in this cozy little spot that you chose of course, sitting so close to each other, I forgot what it feels like. Your face is glowing from the flicker of the fireplace. My fingers softly brush against your skin. Your eyes speak to me with with a hint of sadness.  Maybe life hasn't been easy on you. I love that about you- how your eyes reveal your story.

 We are careful how we spend this time. It is too valuable, too precious. It is not a picture in my head anymore. We are here, and you are the one that welcomed it. You kiss me, and I feel as if I slip out of myself, I'm suspended somewhere between space and time, perhaps this is what heaven feels like. I feel  your lips on mine, and I'm  holding on to this moment, I try to grasp it, and savor it, before it slips away from me.. again... I know this feeling won't last, it can't- anything this magical is always so fleeting. Who knows what's next for us?

In my mind, I'm snapping pictures of you over and over again, so that I never lose the image of your  face...that beautiful face. . The night begins to close in on us, and we are the only ones left in this place. This will forever be the place where it all begins again. We are encompassed by old feelings and memories, but in some ways, it feels new, and fresh again.  At once, you get up and pull me toward you, I look up at you feeling like a child, filled with hope and wonder,  and for the first time in a long time, I feel no fear. I give myself permission to lose myself in you. I know that I want to be with you now, with no thoughts of tomorrow. Being with you is all that matters. It's all that ever did...

A January Tale

  As an adult, I've come to dread the month of January. The gleeful Christmas buzz is over, and everything seems to fall flat fast. Although the days begin to grow longer, it is the heart of the winter, and nothing but cold, snowy, dreary days lie ahead, until a vague glimpse of Spring, timidly reveals itself  sometime in early March.  Remembering my childhood however, I have fond memories of the month of January.

   It was around the second week of January and the first snowfall of the season. I was in sixth grade, and like all the other sixth graders, I waited impatiently for the 3:00 bell to ring and anticipated the first snowball fight of the year. Once we were let out of class, we rushed down the staircase cutting in front of one another, and we all yelled excitedly as we raced toward the exit like animals out of a cage.

  The snow was still slightly falling and there was just enough snow on the ground. Many of the sixth graders ran straight home for safety and shelter, while the ones that hung around were the brave ones, myself included, and we were ready for battle! I was more than prepared. I wore two to three layers of socks,  thermal underwear, and of course, warm, toasty gloves, even though the best snowballs were formed by glove-less hands...

  It was a rush to hear the sound of snowballs smacking against one another. When we saw the older kids running toward us, we knew we were in trouble!  The boys had no mercy, not even on us girls. I remember David running toward me with a perfectly round packed ball. He hit me hard in the back of my head and I could feel the wet powdery snow trickle down my bare back. It was freezing, but exhilarating!  I then had to retaliate and got revenge on David, whom I secretly had a wild crush on. The sounds of girls screaming while boys charged toward them, filled the schoolyard and surrounding blocks.

  Before long, the dim winter sun began to slip into darkness. It was time for us kids to get home and carry on with our daily after school activities. When I arrived home, I barely felt my fingers and toes. I took off all of my wet, cold layers of clothing, and sat by the radiator to thaw out.  My mom so lovingly stretched her hand out and gave me a steaming cup of hot chocolate, while nonna prepared a hot winter meal for the family. Ah, such splendor...the good old days...

A Day To Reminisce

I sat at the bar feeling cool and  confident. Although it had been some time, and there was a slight awkwardness at first, it felt good being there..it felt good to see him. After our initial exchange of pleasantries, I felt him watching me as he tried to grab bits of my conversations with others. I didn't want him to know that I'd become aware of his not so subtle stares. The truth is, I liked it..

 I was watching him too, whenever I thought he wasn't looking. Watching him casually sway back and forth to the bar. When our eyes locked, I felt connected to him, just like I used to. I wondered if he had noticed? Did he feel it too?  I  had a calm, steady demeanor, unlike the love sick girl I was years ago, who was bursting with unapologetic emotions every other minute.

So many things I wanted to say, and  needed to hear, although, I wasn't sure what exactly. What we shared was so long ago, at times it feels like yesterday. Where to begin? I wondered, were there lost opportunities along the way? Does he think about me? I think about him more than I'd like to..he often enters my dreams uninvited.  It's been a long time... we are not strangers, but surely not friends, no longer lovers..why am I even here?

At moments I see the boy from the past smile at me, and I am right there again, right there when he so unexpectedly captured my heart without warning. I feel a slight butterfly twirl in my stomach, but its brief.  Seconds later, I'm back in reality sitting on a stiff bar stool trying to know him again,  and questioning every thought that emerges in my oh, so dizzy head!