ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS

  Once again, we have reached that time of year when we tend to re-evaluate our lives, or, "clean out our closets" as I like to say. It's a good time to reflect and decide what is or isn't working, and who contributes to and enriches our lives, and who no longer serves a purpose. Many of you had a wonderful year... lots of success, new relationships, new homes, new jobs or careers, reunions, etc..all these things which will hold some of the most cherished memories for years to come. Others may have suffered loss of loved ones,  broken hearts, job loss, health issues, etc., and may be very anxious to begin a new year hoping it will be better than the last. Some of my closest friends have suffered tremendous loss this year, and my heart goes out to them for a God speed healing.

  I myself am in a good place in my life. I've come to terms with many things, and am learning to accept. This has always been a challenge for me, and is something that still needs work, but I'm getting there. I've also come to know, and love myself more than I ever have, and it has led to a true  awakening. I still don't have all the answers, some I don't care to find out anymore, where as others, I still hope to...some day. I formed many new bonds with some amazing, interesting. and eclectic people, and maintained strong ties with older friends, and for this, I am extremely grateful.

  I tend to miss people this time of year so much, that it hurts my soul. From deceased loved ones and friends, to those that I have lost touch with, or drifted apart from, to old loves that were once a huge part of my life, even when they weren't. However, as sad as I may get, I try to focus on the good, like the fact that I woke up this morning, I'm healthy, and I have so much love around me, and of course, I'm grateful to have God in my life.

  My wish for everyone, no matter what you believe in, is that you always have faith that things will get better, that there are good things waiting for you, and  always, always, believe in yourself. If you have faith in nothing, and no one, have faith in yourself!!

  As you embark on your new journey in the year to come, I wish you all love, light, peace, joy, happiness, prosperity, and everyday miracles.

  Merry Christmas!!
  Happy New Year!!

With love,

 Teresa

DECEMBER

Thinking of an old December love..

The smell of December floods my mind with waves of memories. Memories of a shiny new love affair, and my once imagined bliss. Cold cheeks and warm lips, entangled in each other till the dim winter sun  softly shines. Splendid thoughts of him enter my mind...his touch, his smile, his words, his musky scent mixed with cigarettes. His mere prescence made me feel as light as a feather. But some things are too good to be true. The cruel harshness of reality set in as quick as it all began. Unpleasant discoveries forced me to pick up the pieces of my broken, shattered heart.  Beautiful December, sweet December, cold December, magical December, grim December, lonely December...
Alas I am free..free from the prison that love's wrath bestowed upon me, and I wait patiently for love to find me once again, even if only for one last time.

A Self That Goes on Changing is a Self That Goes on Living-Virginia Woolf

  Some time ago, in the 1990's, I sat in a movie theater watching a pop-culture classic called, "Singles," and a question arose in the film that had many pondering; "What do you prefer, passion or security?"
Hands down, I knew my answer, PASSION!!! And I did just about anything to feel it, and to hold on to it, for as long as I possibly could.  The big problem was, I had a hard time letting go of it, because as we all know, that type of crazy, euphoric, butterflies twirling in the stomach, all consuming passion, does NOT last.
Having said that however, I wouldn't trade those feelings in for ANYTHING  in the world, even though they may have been short lived.
  I feel blessed and fortunate to have felt it more than once, more than twice...at the time of course, I wanted it to last forever. What I did not understand was that if given the chance to have it last longer, (much longer,) it would have undoubtedly taken away from the magic...that true spark, or fire rather,  that existed between the two of us at the time. I will forever remember the feeling, the experience, just as it was...untainted and perfect. Of course, there was pain, there always is when feelings are as intense as mine were.  Words that were exchanged with our inviting eyes, going against the grain, at times even knowing that it was wrong, but unable to control this inexplicable force that came crashing upon us without warning,
not using reason, or logic..every touch, every gentle kiss, the way he held my hand..each and every glorious, wondrous moment that lead to the earth shattering rush which for me was a true awakening of some sort.
  Now I understand the connection itself, no matter how brief, WAS the miracle. It is what made me feel so alive, and a part of what makes life worth living.  To this day, the smell of warm spring rain, or an old song playing, or perhaps the nostalgia in the air in the beginning of a new season, will take me right back to a particular love. My first love as a young teen, my second "first" love who was my biggest thrill ride, the one who broke my heart several years later and was my biggest lesson, the boy in the cafe who captivated me with his smile, under the most unusual circumstances....my one and ONLY blind date with whom there was an instant connection, as if we'd known each other for years, the stranger at the gym that I locked eyes with, and to my surprise,  became more to me than I ever imagined at a time when I thought I was done with love.
     I sometimes wonder if I evoked emotions in them, the way they did me, but, it was MY experience, and MY memories, that's all that really matters.  So, to all those that made me feel, really feel something so intoxicating that is forever etched in the core of my soul,..Thank You.
  I may not be the girl I used to be..maybe my heart hardened with each experience, or maybe I have grown...maybe both.
It could be that in more recent years, I'm beginning to understand the value of security. I do know that being passionate is, and always Will be a huge part of who I am, and that can't be changed, nor would I ever want it to. Do we have to trade in security for passion, or vice versa? Can we have an equal balance of both? I believe when we become whole, when we learn to truly love and accept ourselves, we can. Any thoughts?

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." George Bernard Shaw

I've chosen to start this blog to share my journey of creating myself with others. Every thought,every action, every choice, and every experience is ultimately creating who we are, and who we continue to become. This is fascinating to me, as I know that with one choice, one change in direction, I am creating myself over and over again. I will be writing about personal experiences that have impacted and shaped me, as well as poetry that was written during some of the most intense moments of my life.. I would like to encourage others to share their stories and writings, and  maybe together we can all gain a little more wisdom, and continue to create our magnificent "self!"