Some time ago, in the 1990's, I sat in a movie theater watching a pop-culture classic called, "Singles," and a question arose in the film that had many pondering; "What do you prefer, passion or security?"
Hands down, I knew my answer, PASSION!!! And I did just about anything to feel it, and to hold on to it, for as long as I possibly could. The big problem was, I had a hard time letting go of it, because as we all know, that type of crazy, euphoric, butterflies twirling in the stomach, all consuming passion, does NOT last.
Having said that however, I wouldn't trade those feelings in for ANYTHING in the world, even though they may have been short lived.
I feel blessed and fortunate to have felt it more than once, more than twice...at the time of course, I wanted it to last forever. What I did not understand was that if given the chance to have it last longer, (much longer,) it would have undoubtedly taken away from the magic...that true spark, or fire rather, that existed between the two of us at the time. I will forever remember the feeling, the experience, just as it was...untainted and perfect. Of course, there was pain, there always is when feelings are as intense as mine were. Words that were exchanged with our inviting eyes, going against the grain, at times even knowing that it was wrong, but unable to control this inexplicable force that came crashing upon us without warning,
not using reason, or logic..every touch, every gentle kiss, the way he held my hand..each and every glorious, wondrous moment that lead to the earth shattering rush which for me was a true awakening of some sort.
Now I understand the connection itself, no matter how brief, WAS the miracle. It is what made me feel so alive, and a part of what makes life worth living. To this day, the smell of warm spring rain, or an old song playing, or perhaps the nostalgia in the air in the beginning of a new season, will take me right back to a particular love. My first love as a young teen, my second "first" love who was my biggest thrill ride, the one who broke my heart several years later and was my biggest lesson, the boy in the cafe who captivated me with his smile, under the most unusual circumstances....my one and ONLY blind date with whom there was an instant connection, as if we'd known each other for years, the stranger at the gym that I locked eyes with, and to my surprise, became more to me than I ever imagined at a time when I thought I was done with love.
I sometimes wonder if I evoked emotions in them, the way they did me, but, it was MY experience, and MY memories, that's all that really matters. So, to all those that made me feel, really feel something so intoxicating that is forever etched in the core of my soul,..Thank You.
I may not be the girl I used to be..maybe my heart hardened with each experience, or maybe I have grown...maybe both.
It could be that in more recent years, I'm beginning to understand the value of security. I do know that being passionate is, and always Will be a huge part of who I am, and that can't be changed, nor would I ever want it to. Do we have to trade in security for passion, or vice versa? Can we have an equal balance of both? I believe when we become whole, when we learn to truly love and accept ourselves, we can. Any thoughts?
